ON HONESTY

Honestly, it's time to do something about all the honesty that goes on around here.
Now that I've posted my cats, which I didn't make, I decided
to post something I did make. And I want to make up the right question to ask about honesty, which is under scrutiny.
I tend to believe that no one abstract noun should be placed on a pedestal because there are always times when something/anything is inappropriate, now matter how appropriate it may be at other times. Now, I call myself honest in an ironic way, because I believe most readers believe I'm painfully honest, but I'm not as honest as most probably think. I mean, the truth is, most people tell the stories about themselves that they want to believe, and I am no exception.
There are times when honesty is not only inappropriate, but deadly. I mean, what would the world be like if everyone were honest??? How many marriages would fall apart, how many friendships would dissolve, how much respect would go down the drain, how many people would be locked up on psychiatric wards???
What would happen if politicians were honest??? I shudder, it's unimaginable. I mean EVERYTHING would fall apart.
Of course I'm too darn honest. Why me, and not someone else? If I had been less honest. I would be a conventional person, would be married to the nice guy I met in college because I wouldn't have told him the ghastly truth about the Other Fish in the local pond (whom I had no chance of hooking, landing, de-scaling, fileting and having for dinner). If I had been less honest,
I'd have 2.5 kids who would be just about grown now, waist-deep in the river after their own
dinners.
If I had been less honest, I'd have friends that were all the same, interested in prestige and money and I'd dress for success, and get manicures. If I'd been less honest, you would like me.
On the other hand...
Here's the scoop: if I were less honest, I'd really be up a creek, because I wouldn't understand myself, and I wouldn't understand you. Because ultimately, the kind of honesty that really counts is honesty with yourself; it's the hardest honesty, the honesty of a St. Paul or a St. Augustine.
Don't be fooled into thinking I don't wear masks as much as anyone. The thing is, many choose dishonesty when they're feeling like their little world is caving in. And this is not evil but brave. By the same token, many reach desperately for help under those circumstances. And this is not terrible, this is brave.
Each of us has to judge what level of honesty we're comfortable with. I have written blog entries I've later deleted, not merely because I was too honest, but because I was too honest about negativity that was going through my mind. I don't like myself when I'm negative, and like many, I try to find a mask to wear while the storm rages inside my psyche.
I don't like bluntness. To me, people who are blunt are not expressing what they truly deeply feel, but what they impulsively feel or think in the moment. This may not always be true, but I prefer expressing considered truths, even if these wind up being euphemistic ways of saying the same thing---at least resorting to euphemism is a way of considering another person's feelings.
Do we have freedom of speech in this country so that the people may be excruciatingly honest? Honesty is often punished.
No, honesty does not belong on a pedestal. Honesty is not art. Honesty is not seductive.
Honesty is not appealing. I feel I have some kind of crazy mission to be honest; it's not for everyone. No, it's been my decision not to polish my nails or color my hair, but it's not for everyone. And I could change. I could do five things tonight that I've never done before in my whole life. I reserve that right.
And I reserve the right to be legally honest. Not as cute as legally blonde, or as legal as supporting the current administration. But I'm a person who needs to justify her existence every day. I'm a person who looks to others to confirm that she should be allowed to live.
Every goddamn day. That's how it is and godwilling it will change.

---Harriet.